F1: Not The F1 News: Forza Ron!

[Rory Phoulorie]

Monday 10th September 2007

FIA Deny Adopting Stalinist Methods
The FIA have denied that they are actively pursuing a witch hunt against McLaren and that their letter to the McLaren drivers actually contravened the European Human Rights Act. Some people have even accused Max Mosley of exhibiting Stalinist tendencies in his pursuit of a penalty for Ron Dennis's team.

"We are not involved in a witch hunt, that is complete nonsense," said an FIA spokesman. "The ducking stool that Comrade Max ordered for the FIA office in Paris was merely a practical joke."


Ron manager Backs Ron Manager
Ron Dennis's treatment is making him the unlikeliest of heroes amongst F1 fans. He's also receiving support from the Worldwide Association of Rons. Amongst famous Rons backing Ron are ex-football manager Ron Atkinson, film director Ron Howard, Ronnie Wood of the Rolling Stones, Harry Potter's Ron Weasley and Brazilian soccer star Ronaldinho. Ronald McDonald's support was politely declined.


Mclaren Hire Expert Counsel
McLaren have hired an unlikely figure to represent them in Paris for their crucial hearing on Thursday. Former ITV commentary verteran Murray Walker will be summarising the whole Stepneygate saga from beginning to end.

"The hope is that the World Motorsport Council will lose the will to live before Murray ends his opening statement," said a spokesman. Walker is due in the witness box on Thursday, Friday and Saturday - unless we're very much mistaken.


Ferrari Leak Phone Conversations To Press
Ferrari have revealed that they have recovered detailed transcripts of phone conversations between Mike Coughlan and Nigel Stepney prior to the Monaco Grand Prix that prove Stepney was sabotaging the car.
Stepney:
"I am going to put some white powder in the fuel tank. That will stop their prancing horse right in its tracks.
Coughlan:
"Good, white powder in the fuel tank will certainly stop them from winning the Monaco Grand Prix - never mind their unsuitably long wheelbased car."
Stepney:
"You don't think that scrutineers might sample the fuel before the race - you know - like they always do."
Coughlan:
"Hmm, good point. Perhaps they won't this race. Go on do it. I'll give you �5.
Stepney:
"Make it a tenner."
Coughlan:
"I'll have to ask Ron for a tenner.
Stepney:
"Sorry got to go and grab a shower now."
Coughlan:
"Don't leave that white powder lying around, make sure you put it in your pockets while you're having that shower.
Ferrari will present their transcripts to the WMC in Paris on Thursday.
"This just goes to prove that Ron Dennis is a mass murderer and abuses chickens," said Ferrari spokesman (and George from Seinfeld lookalike) Luca Colajanni.


A Sharp Frost At Mclaren
In the turmoil of the Monza GP weekend a few important announcements went largely unnoticed. McLaren announced they have hired a specialist management consultant to address Fernando Alonso's gripes about his treatment within the team and look at his "equality" issues. Jo Frost is known as Supernanny on British television and will deal with the Spaniard's regular tantrums. The McLaren motorhome is having a Naughty Step installed and she has instructed Martin Whitmarsh, Paddy Lowe and Dave Ryan to simply walk away if he starts causing a fuss again.


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