F1: Schumi`s Sekret Diary: School run (Humour)

[Rory Phoulorie]

Saturday 28th April 2007

Hello my very patient and perhaps now a little nostalgic tifosis. It is your Schum reporting on the season so far, and what a season we have been having in just three races.

I never thought that he would have such a big impact in F1, or that he would do so well this season and get such consistent results, but he has amazed everyone. Nick Heidfeld, what an amazing start to his year! In Germany we all thought his career was on the slide after Robert Kubica put pressure on him at the end of the 2006 season, but he has come back with a beard and an attitude (you see, Jenson, you can have both).

Also there is Lewis Hamilton.

Let me state firmly and without misunderstanding that I am fumingly mad and angry about press reports linking myself and Lewis Hamilton. These articles 'Hamilton is the next Schumacher' make me want to spit. How dare they say he is the next Michael Schumacher. I am the father of the next Michael Schumacher - Mick Schumacher - who is learning to drive a kart in the garden as I write.

If anybody is going to be the next Michael Schumacher it's going to be someone called Michael Schumacher! If Lewis Hamilton is the next Michael Schumacher, then that will make Mick Schumacher, the one after the next Michael Schumacher, and it's not a very handy tag to have.

As for the kind of driver he is I am chuckling like a person who has drunk too much lager beer. Ron Dennis wanted to have a nice obedient little rookie, sitting at the feet of the master Alonso in 2007 and instead he has got someone who is not reading the script.

In Bahrain Fernando had to invent a reason for his car not being on the pace. He tried to sell us: "The McLaren lighting gantry fell on the car and the mechanics didn't put it together again quite right." What are we going to have in Spain? "An armadillo crawled into the sidepod and nobody realised it was there until after the race?" Or. "I had chewing gum attached to my foot and it kept getting stuck to the brake pedal?" This is both amusing and interesting.

Much better to have Jean's way - we get five races into the season and he says: "You, you're the slow guy, and you, you're the quick guy. Comprendez?" And of course he is always pointing to me last.

There is a lot of talk in F1 right now about the FIA allowing customer's cars - but customer's cars are not a new thing, they are part of the history of F1. In the 1950s anybody who had the money could buy and race an Alfa Romeo, or sometimes they could buy a Ferrari. In the 1970s we had the March car. This March name was made up of the founders' names; Max Mosley, Alan Rees, Graham Coaker and Robin Herd and they had a works team and then sold cars to customers. Niki Lauda described the March 721 as "an old sh!tbox". I wonder whatever happened to Max, Alan, Graham and Robin?

Have you been seeing my new TV adverts with the FIAT Scudo van and mpv. What do you think, be honest? Lieblings pudgie wudgie says they are not as good as the Vodafone/Shell adverts where I had to wait at a bus-stop and work in a boring office and nobody recognised me. She said there is too many helpings of cheese with this one.

Quite honestly and obviously and honestly and obviously I would like to direct my own TV advert for the Scudo school run. In this we would have a shot of a suburban front door. Suddenly, out of it we would all burst, running for the car, jump in with the kids and slam the doors. The Lollypop would go up and I would screech away - camera at low angle. On the way to school I would schu-weave my way through the mums in their lumbering Mercedes and Renault mpvs, I would also push someone into the barriers on the short stretch of Autostrasse, then give Mrs Hakkinen a brake test on the last corner before school. We would cut away to see a shot of Mika Hakkinen in a blonde wig (he would be up for it, as long as he got to wear the underwear) smiling cheerfully, like the unlucky loser "Huh, it's that Schumi again". Then I would slam the brakes on and slide the car into a parking space hardly bigger than the car. Other parents including the road crossing lady would applaud my driving skills.

Then I would get out of the car to give a short wave and people would laugh hilariously to see that I was still wearing my pyjama bottoms and slippers! If sales of the Scudo don't go too well I will suggest this.

The Schum


http://www.planet-f1.com/story/0,18954,3262_2093778,00.html